I'm sorry.

I've messed up
I AM MESSED UP...

And instead of fixing it myself
i've allowed and expected others to do it FOR ME
i could not have been more wrong

the pedestal
the expectation
the demands...
all so wrongly placed
i may have destroyed the best thing in my life
i have oredi single-handedly destroyed one...

and now, thanks to typhoon...
i know why.

voids in yourself are there for u to fill them
for u to find beautiful things in life and take them in
pieces u've allowed yourself to be smashed into
are for YOU to pick them up yourself
for no one can heal u but yourself.

too late,
but at least i know it now.
perhaps, i will stop hurting others in the future.

it's wretched to finally wake up
and realise that i'm the one who's been blind all along.
it sucks
and it's really hard to take 'cos we always think we're right
and why can't other pp understand us.
But we're not.
It takes a great lesson to shake us to our senses,
or frens to point out in clarity the web we try so hard to untangle.

I thank my group of frens for still being here despite everything,
and i hope those whom i've hurt so much to eventually be able to forgive me for the horrible hurt i've inflicted.
it was unintentional but inexcusable.

I am sorry.

everyone has voids
that's not the issue
frens are NOT expecte to fill the voids -- that's the issue.
neither are they there to pick up the pieces
they dun owe me anything,
nor are they responsible for how i feel.

someone just told me...
"it's not how happy u are, but how happy pp are becos of you"
simple but it holds the whole truth of being in those few words.

it's MY responsibiliy to for my frens to be comfortable around me
and it is not for me to engineer or demand their actions/reactions
based on what i do
they have their own free will of choice

as hurful as it is,
if someone walks away from me
i have only myself to blame

and just like i wish 2b accepted and appreciated for the person i am
i should do the same in return
and not lay on unnecessary pressure or expectations
till i become a burden
THE BURDEN

r/s and frenships are suppose to be life-enriching
not fulfilling
i have to find n fill those voids myself.

i'm sorry.