WHY?

It never amazes me how much disregard we can have of other pp, including our close friends.

A cool, flippant attitude results in hurt that's usually invisible on the surface.

Lessons are to be learnt from unpleasant experiences.

Lessons learnt are to prevent a repeat of the unpleasant experiences.

Alas, do we even listen to our inner selves?

Want want want want....

that's all we hear

from others

and from ourselves...

I am not rude when i'm being civil and cool minded.

So why are u acting like this? why are u always over-reacting?

If u're unhappy u can choose to leave. Just walk away.

I'm not forcing u to do anything against your wishes.

So i must be right?..........?

In my world - i can do as i please becos i expect others to do as they please.

Spare me from unwanted expectations.

The stabs i receive from your cool flippant attitude hurts more than words of anger, and these wounds fester even longer after. Repeatedly they chip away at the stone of our friendship like water dripping on a rock. Sometimes I'm afraid to show any hurt, anger or judgement -- for fear it would displease and invite comtempt into your eyes. I make myself believe that i'm over-reacting, chanting " i should think of others" over and over again in my head just to avoid explosion and incurring an unwanted period of "i need space". I hide and swallow my indignance at being ignored and disregarded, the assumption that I can take it or leave it - my choice. Hence you are no way involved in my misery.

Say it out, do not let it build up and then explode.... that's wat u say.

What happens is I say it

I get slapped for it, or told i'm over-reacting;

I question myself and start to feel abit guilty,

or even more worked up

I huff and pout,

u go all cold and logical like i'm the passionate fool

that it's NO BIG deal

So... why make me say it?

I asked for it.

Many times i ask myself... always, when i feel a prick, just incase i'm wrong again...

am i over- reacting? am i expecting too much? is this how it should be?

How many times have u ever ever thought of someone other than yourself or wat u wanna do at that moment? How many times have u ever done something for your friends that's not just convenient and actually requires effort. And is totally out of the way?

How many times have u tried to be nice to your friends, not out of any obligation but just 'cos u love them.

Does the fear of being ignored send my common sense of self preservation fleeing so much so that i repeatedly subject myself to your contempt and disregard?

I resent your cool aloofness that nothing touches you, and that i'm weak to feel so much.

I deserve more.

I deserve to be treated as though I matter, to YOU.

I deserve to be seen and acknowleged, not just a body around that provides temporary company.

I am your FRIEND.

We are more than shopping buddies. We can do more than shop.

Can we?

It just struck me how tension immediately evaporates when shoes/bags or clothes are in the vicinity.

Are we really just that, like u said?

Tears pricking as my heart saddens. It can't be.

But i think it's time

i stop

stop

to think

to

re-evaluate...

am i more miserable?

am i more afraid of losing a friendship

or do i deserve more from you.

the next time u say yes,

please really mean it

i will not be waiting anymore.

and i will not tolerate pp walking away again.

i am worth more.

perhaps u do not wear your heart on your sleeves like most pp,

or like me.

but maybe u should wear it somewhere we can see

'cos althou we dun necessarily call the person when we miss them,

they should know it some time too.

i dun have to tell u i love u

actions speak louder

but in doing so

it's like stepping onto frozen water

u never know if it's gonna hold

or the ice breaks and u freeze forever.

the root of my problem?

probably lies in the inablility to have faith in your friendship for me

'cos u make me feel that it doesn't matter should i walk away forever

u wouldn't even try to ask why.

why can't u just understand that i delight in your presence

and all u have to do occasionally, is to show that too.