I deserve...

How much more is there to break?
How much more do i break myself?
If only i was made otherwise
If only i was sane

How much is nurture or nature
How much is changeable, how much not
How much should someone expect...?
Probably not much.
Probably nothing.

Expect nothing
There is nothing i can give.
Is that an excuse for bad behaviour?

I wanted to be a better person...
Scoffs at self...
As if.

This is wallowing.
Wat's new.
I wallow
I contemplate
I wallow some more.

What can i do to stop this?
What else can i tell myself?
What the F*** can i do to stop self destruction and hx from repeating itself?

Fluctuating btwn death wishing and self reproach
Fluctating btwn self motivation and self-doom
Perhaps i should accept my fate
But is it an excuse for bad behaviour?

Death is most welcomed
Oblivion
Peace
Nothingness
No self

No self...?
Is this the key?
The key to all.