Kadinsky, Jean et Niki

This weekend, I induldged in


Kadinsky,
Jean Tinguley. and
Niki de Saint Phalle.

As usual, forgot my camera.
Kadinsky, the usual ... I do prefer his earlier works, since, they are less abstract, the require less time (these are the stuff he painted while he was in germany, colourful patchy stuff).

But some of his compositions (colours==music), are great. My problem, is the time. In a museum, it is intensity, you are forced to look at everything. I think for Kadinsky compisitions, it has to be stepwise, incremental discovery. It has to be there, taken in pieces, over time, over different attentiveness. In a museum, the senses are hightened, but also, strained. Like a symphony, I feel, for Kadinsky's later works, you have to immerse, and look at it different time, over and over again. It is similar to the essence of cathedrals, walking by at different times of the days, at different seasons. Only then, it grows, and we see the things/hear the parts that we never realize, and truely see the entire compisition.

As for Kadinsky, I am not even sure if a Poster of the picture suffices. There is never the same breathe-taking, surge, that one sees in the oils (especially), the way they are textured. The colour-trueness, these are never really captured in posters, (pictures neither)...

MoMA has the 4 seasons, I am copying the picture from the MoMA gallery, I am pretty sure I have pics of them myself, but it is easier to download. So in order: Spring, Summer, Autumn, and Winter







Moving on, was at the Jean TInguley museum. This is kinda like for kids. What's really impressive, is the building. It is constructed by Botta, and is really a well play of light. I think for an architect, musuem designs must be really fun, just alone, the light, the shapes... sigh.

the Exhibition was on Jean and Niki's works (they were a couple). Having both worked on extremes (Jean : Black, Niki: Colors), the combinitation is really nice. StPhalle's style is more attractive for me, since, she does women and colors, but the engineer part of me is fascinated by Tinguely's motor-operated structures. I love his fountains best. because of the movement bring on life, whereas, I find the other sculptures more macabre (prob due to the dark colours)...

I used to...

wonder why my life was so peaceful
so uneventful
i didn't really feel like i was living...
there were no ups or downs,
just being.

immerse myself in the tv
savouring the excitement and drama of would be lives...
allowing myself to feel as tho i was part of their existence
and wanting so much to actually feel something in my real life.

fantasize different lives for myself
based mostly on my fav tv serials...
or lose myself in books i consume day after day
reenacting parts i love, make-believing...

everyone else had their real lives
and were too busy to pay attention
and i didn't want any attention anyways,
i was fine alone.

Now...
I wish 2b back to that cocoon of oblivion...
to not feel or want anything...
to be able to fulfil my emptiness myself as i had b4.
2b free from wanting and needing of others.
just me.

new years's resolutions...

*2b more positive

*2b less intensed

*2 find and recognise my own voids, and to fill them MYSELF

*2 recognise the subtle

*2 get typhoon the royce chocs she's been wanting... LOL

HAPPY NEW YEAR (in advance)

I'm sorry.

I've messed up
I AM MESSED UP...

And instead of fixing it myself
i've allowed and expected others to do it FOR ME
i could not have been more wrong

the pedestal
the expectation
the demands...
all so wrongly placed
i may have destroyed the best thing in my life
i have oredi single-handedly destroyed one...

and now, thanks to typhoon...
i know why.

voids in yourself are there for u to fill them
for u to find beautiful things in life and take them in
pieces u've allowed yourself to be smashed into
are for YOU to pick them up yourself
for no one can heal u but yourself.

too late,
but at least i know it now.
perhaps, i will stop hurting others in the future.

it's wretched to finally wake up
and realise that i'm the one who's been blind all along.
it sucks
and it's really hard to take 'cos we always think we're right
and why can't other pp understand us.
But we're not.
It takes a great lesson to shake us to our senses,
or frens to point out in clarity the web we try so hard to untangle.

I thank my group of frens for still being here despite everything,
and i hope those whom i've hurt so much to eventually be able to forgive me for the horrible hurt i've inflicted.
it was unintentional but inexcusable.

I am sorry.

everyone has voids
that's not the issue
frens are NOT expecte to fill the voids -- that's the issue.
neither are they there to pick up the pieces
they dun owe me anything,
nor are they responsible for how i feel.

someone just told me...
"it's not how happy u are, but how happy pp are becos of you"
simple but it holds the whole truth of being in those few words.

it's MY responsibiliy to for my frens to be comfortable around me
and it is not for me to engineer or demand their actions/reactions
based on what i do
they have their own free will of choice

as hurful as it is,
if someone walks away from me
i have only myself to blame

and just like i wish 2b accepted and appreciated for the person i am
i should do the same in return
and not lay on unnecessary pressure or expectations
till i become a burden
THE BURDEN

r/s and frenships are suppose to be life-enriching
not fulfilling
i have to find n fill those voids myself.

i'm sorry.

Volleynight!

And this year (UNBelIEVeAble!) we made it past the qualifying round!!! Go team go!

ode to a good ol friend

I still fondly recollect the story of a friend, who had often enough, when we all still believed, called before Christmas. It would be the few exciting days just shortly before christmas. He would be down, totally disappointed, exclaiming, proclaiming, "it has not snowed!". And even while i was spending Xmas in Santa Barbara, with my nice mild 15 degree celcius, would always reply "Don't fret. It will snow, because it has always snowed every year I was in Aachen, and it will be in time like every other year, for Christmas." Indeed, while we all still believed, the snow came every year, just in time for the Christmases.

Maybe we all forgot to believe. This year, just an email, stating "there is no snow". The exclamation was missing, there was little indignance.

But I still do believe. Because I am lucky, and I believe. On the eve of Christmas this year, it did snow. For 10 minutes, tiny snow flakes floated down from the skies. They were tiny, and melted on the ground, but it snowed. But the 10 minutes were a blessing, it will come every year. And for every year to come.

The 10 minutes of joy and beauty, the 10 minutes that passed in Zuerich, I am sure these 10 minutes found their place in Aachen too. And in reply to the email, these 10 minutes of snow that fell, in my little world, they came because of you.

withstand?

broken
how many times?
can a heartbreak, a person, a soul

mummified
shards - sharp
the slow trickle
tatter my skin, my being

i hurt
mommy i hurt
i curl, foetus

LIFE

http://www.myvideo.de/watch/312357

English Translation

Filled with mud in a town that I'm not used to
Quickly passing by one another -- People,
'Have they fulfilled their dreams?"
I'm still struggling...

Instead of returning to the time of childhood
I want to try and live well in the present
I am cowered by nature

If I go to a place where the sunshine strikes
and spread my arms,
will I be able to fly past that sky?
that's what I thought

The wings that can make me fly away...
are still invisible
It's because things aren't simple that I can go on living

I just picked up a small wet puppy
and for a while, I laughed so much that tears started to overflow
"I want to be loved and loved again"
That's what I said. But I just can't keep wishing for it

In my childhood, there were
days that I severely hurt my mom
I want to change it all

I go to a place where the sunshile strikes
I want to tightly grasp this hand
destroying that place and that time
I can change my life

But I really can't tell everything that's in my heart
It's because things aren't simple that I can go on living

I go out to a place where the sunshine strikes and spread out my map, but
I know... You know... that having doubts along the way can't be helped
I can change my life

All the days that have passed up to now
have made the current me.
It's because things aren't simple that I can go on living

Romanji lyrics

Doro darake yo najime nai tokai de
Onaji you ni warae nai utsumuite aruita no
Isogi ashi de surechigau hito-tachi
“Yume wa kanai mashita ka?”
ATASHI mada MOGAite iru

Kodomo no goro ni modoru yori mo
Ima wo umaku ikite mitai yo
Kowagari wa umare tsuki

Hi no atari basho ni dete
Ryoute wo hirogete mita nara
Ano sora koete yukeru ka na?
Nante omottanda
Tobitatsu tame no tsubasa
Sore wa mada mie nai
KANTAN ni ika nai kara ikite yukeru

Nureta koinu hiroi ageta dakede
Chotto warae chau hodo
Namida ga koborete kita

Aisaretai aisaretai bakari
ATASHI itte ita yo ne
Motomeru dake ja dame ne

Kodomo no goro wa MAMA no koto
Hidoku kizutsuketa
Hi mo atta yo ne kawari tai
Ima zenbu

Hi no ataru basho ni dete
Kono te wo tsuyoku nigitte mitai
Ano basho ano toki wo kowashite
I can change my life

Demo kokoro no naka subete wo
Totemo tsutae kire nai
KANTAN ni ika nai kara
Ikite yukeru

Hi no ataru basho ni dete
Chizu wo hirogete miru kedo
I know... You know...
Mayoi michi mo shikata nai
I can change my life

Sugite kita hibi zenbu de
Ima no atashi nanda yo
KANTAN ni ika nai kara
Ikite yukeru

Twas the night almost almost before christmas

When all and all have left (well almost)
finally sent the last one off today...
phew, the marathon is over for this year.

I didnt make it, most regretfully,
to call, even write, so lets not mention meeting up.
Fortunately, blame it yet again
on the holiday season stress...

For the first time, I am spending Xmas alone,
Got many exclaims of pity, fought them off well.
ok, justify: it is my choice this year...
i really just need the peace.

And yet, unexpected, the time passes so slowly,
it is barely the day before christmas, and I am still waiting.

But count my little joys

Quietly I will spend the week of peace...
no rushing off, no obligations, no, not even sports
bizzare to have dinner alone, (breakfast, and lunch!)
But I will delve and enjoy every moment of it...
the value to peace is not to be undermined.

Of course, then forth to the new marathon of the coming year,
and bouncing back up for more adventures :)

here i sit, with my adventscandles (adventskranz),
boastfully, i have the world in my hands.
Count my little joys.

goodbye everyone
i wish to not wake up EVER

EVERYONE'S A BIG FAT LIAR!!!

* Dun say i'll listen to u and then DON'T EVEN make the effort when i'm trying to say something impt that's hard to get out!! (i want Haidoukuna's ears but then it's filled up with work ain't it!!)

* Dun say everything's FAIR when it's NOT!! Think about it!

* Dun say we'll meet up then it becomes we'll play by EAR!! WHO's FRELLING EAR!!! Make the EFFORT if u mean it. Dun wax and wane...

* Dun dash my childhood enthusiasm back in those days and then expect it back just 'cos YOU've CHANGED/ evolved! I can't accept it. U have no idea how it was hell then.

* Dun expect me to like the same pp.

* Dun assume i'm ok with it just 'cos i choose to keep QUIET!

* Dun accuse me of bad handling when U BROKE the promise.

* I DUN ADOPT YOUNGER SISTERS!!

* Dun expect me 2b frens anymore when u discredit my basic ability at work.

unexpected rainbows...

sunny days achillin'
a sudden gust of wind

the horizon darkens
u pause
and it starts pounding
beyond control... almost

deep breaths
u barely make it

only to be showered by rainbows
at the end

u hesitate
but there's no pounding this time
no plummeting

puzzled
u reach out
and the rainbow shrouds u in colours

gently
u start to fill up
u smile
maybe it's time to come out for a while

thank you

GOodByE

Ah Pek Tommy

Last Fri Dec 8, we said our goodbyes to an old PRC fren, whom despite his bad breath and initial bad temper -- had endeared himself greatly to the pp there with his quiet nature and fondness for a great variety of foods -- including DURIAN!!

The days before his passing had some of us chasing after him as he made his way repeatedly across the road at the end of the back alley, into a specific house. One day he had to be personally escorted out from the garden in fear that he would be eaten by the resident dog.

However, inspite of preventative leashing measures, he would meow every opportunity to get to this mind boggling destination. And upon accompanying him there the last day, we found something precious, if not the reason for his persistence. As me and my colleague bundled his weak frame over, we were greeted with unexpected warmth and empathy from the maid who let us in without a moment's hesitation upon hearing of his plight. So he had a good sniff of the garden, look at the tree; and then the drain where she took it upon herself to show him.

It was this simple act of faith and goodwill that shone so brightly that day, and still touches and move me deeply. In times that you think the world is all there is... THERE IS MORE.
I salute you for you have inspired. Words cannot express the gratitude in your kind act, and quiet admonishment you've shown us all that day. We can be better pp yet.

An ode...

Anit eo ffu nan dfriendshi p...

Id omis sth yquirk yway s

an dwis hw eha dmor eday sworkin gto g

bu tala sth eschedul ehold su sslav e

s owit hthi sblessin gi bi dthe eadie u

t oa lan do fmagicka ldream s...

danc et oyou row nbea tm ybr o,

an dneve rle tanyon ese eu lo w :)

it's RIdiCuLoUs...

to call it a hospital
when u dun even tend to the hospitalised cases

to demand we leave a plan
when u change the plans without even consulting us
as thou we're invisible or idiots

to take it out on us
when yr clients are spoilt brats and psychotic
and can't understand the concept of a day-off

to accept any more ridiculous behavior
just 'cos u're stressed or u think u're ALWAYS RIGHT
or u just plain ASSUME the WORST of us

to think we have eyes behind our heads
x-rays see-thru the upstairs wall vision
or a million arms
to be able to substitue the lack of experienced staff there is
and to do our jobs

i used to have ONE huge regret in joining the company
but now...
i either have too many
or the initial regret no longer exits 'cos i've oredi become too numb from all the senseless abuse to wish to please anyone anymore

there's only so much abuse a person can take
and forgive
there's only so much BS we can believe
til it's just empty promises viewed in disgust

the only thing that keeps things tog
is that u're F-ing lucky to find commited staff
who's only putting the effort for the sake of the animals
do not be deceived - YOU do not count

wat's worse is your mockery of us not having a LIFE
when the reason is YOU
so be grateful for all the support u're getting
for it will not always be so

A step a day

take a step a day.

on some days, more things in life go wrong then they do right. Sometimes, it might seem as if that everything is going wrong.

But each day, there will be one nice thing, we just need to remember to take half a minute to appreciate it.

Might be as easy, and as simple as the baker-girl's smile :). sigh.

Just think about this...

When was the last time u ever did something purely out of friendship tat actually took effort but u still did it even if u were tired or din feel like it, 'cos it wat your fren asked or just 'cos u think it'd help/ cheer someone up.
Or when was the last time u made a special effort and planned something special juz 'cos u wanted and know your friend(s) will be happy.

When was the last time u did something purely for the sake of someone else and in no way beneficial to yourself!!!! TELL ME!!!!

Then tell me m i expecting too much once again?
'cos that's all i'm getting - from everyone.
Perhaps this should hint to me that all these thots and hurt feelings just exisit within my own psychosis, my world of make-believe and fantasy -- that this is not meant to exist in real life. And my own definition of friendship -- that it needs both taking and giving, and needing and being there -- is one that no one knows about.

I must be missing some rule that everyone else seems to know about and failing miserably to not care.